I've Got to . . . Learn to be Still

     Last month I told you that during a visit to the vet I discovered how life's happenstance can open doors to true healing. Since that time I presented my story to the students at Lewis University which became a very painstaking process for being only 15 minutes long. Something I thought I had moved on from, was only repressed. I also told you that I was going to start acupuncture for stress relief. Here is an update on a couple of significant events I have experienced since that blog post on March 4th.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     First, I have had two acupuncture treatments and already feel a significant calming effect. The acupuncturist, Erin told me that we will probably meet for several sessions (or whatever it takes in my book) to resolve this issue. Each time the session begins she tells me to focus on one intention or none, or to go where the spirit takes you. I have made this last statement my healing mantra: to go where the spirit takes you. Towards the end of each session I physically feel this raging spirit that dwells within me fighting to expel itself but has thus far resisted. Reason being, it has called me home for so long. I'm happy to report that after this last treatment, I have slept soundly for four consecutive nights (the first time in 20 years), my thinking has become more clear, and with the help of fellow firefighters more layers of my PTSD have come to the surface.

     Erin told me that this process could get ugly at first as the layers unfold, but if I hang in there I will reap great rewards. All I need to do is face the demons and kick them to the curb. So one might ask at this point: "Where do fellow firefighters fit into this picture, and what does that have to do with learning to be still?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     Last week, I attended training to become part of that Illinois Firefighter Peer SupportTeam whose mission is: "To serve the fire service family by providing trained peer supporters who can give confidential, appropriate and supportive assistance." Over the course of 24 hours we learned how to provide psychological first aid through application of acquired active listening and interpersonal communication skills via both classroom lecture and practical exercises. 30+ firefighters assembled in that room, all of who had equally or more compelling stories than myself. It was during the practical exercises that I had two major breakthroughs.

     While telling my story to two of my classmates, one asked me to describe my comrade. Following the spirit (as Erin taught me) I came to the sudden realization that this man who I looked up to as the consummate firefighter/paramedic, had left me with a sense of disappointment and abandonment as I had so much yet to learn from him. Also, I never had a chance to say goodbye.

     The second breakthrough comes on more of a transcendental plane of thinking. It has always been said that when one experiences such a gut wrenching trauma as this, you lose a piece of your heart to that person or event. What I realized is that when "Little Dicky" died on that cold and lonely night, he took not a part of my heart, but a part of my soul. I'm eternally grateful to fellow firefighters Tammy and Brian for walking me down this path, because now I have something to build on.

     The most important realization that I came to was fundamentally this: in order to achieve a balanced and happy holistic life I need to add psychological counseling to my treatment protocol. On the second day of class I made the call and will be working with the clinical consultant of the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Group. She's already on board with me continuing acupuncture as a complement to the counseling. I'm going to view this not as counseling in the traditional sense, but rather as a mentorship on how to navigate life's roadblocks thrown my way. In order to be an effective peer supporter, I can never suggest someone seek counseling without having walked that green mile myself. It is just how I am wired. To face my demons I must learn to be still.  I can honestly describe myself as a guy who always seems to be in a hurry to get nowhere fast. All anyone would have to do to confirm this claim is ask my wife.

     On the way to class one morning, I was listening to an Eagles CD and stumbled upon the song "Learn to be still". I played it not once, not twice, but three times and realized the lyrics were to become my call to action. Don Henley and Stanley Lynch artfully weave together a story that resonates with the last 16 years of my life since "Little Dicky's" death. Maybe even sooner than that, who knows. To heal, I must learn to be still.

     I will report on my progress often in the hopes that this reaches at least one person out there in this small world with a similar experience. I want to let him/her know that they are not alone and to just remember that with time and help all wounds really do heal. For now, I leave you with my call to action as only Don Henley and Glenn Frey can sing it. I have also included a copy of the lyrics for easier understanding.  Click on the link below to see the video.

 

 

http://dai.ly/xrg6n

 

 

It's just another day in paradise
As you stumble to your bed
You'd give anything to silence
Those voices ringing in your head

You thought you could find happiness
Just over that green hill
You thought you would be satisfied
But you never will
Learn to be still

We are like sheep without a shepherd
We don't know how to be alone
So we wander 'round this desert
And wind up following the wrong God's home

But the flock cries out for another
And they keep answering that bell
And one more starry-eyed messiah
Meets a violent farewell
Learn to be still, learn to be still

Now the flowers in your garden
They don't smell so sweet
Maybe you've forgotten
The heaven lying at your feet

There are so many contradictions
In all these messages we send
(We keep asking)
How do I get out of here
Where do I fit in?

Though the world is torn and shaken
Even if your heart is breaking
It's waiting for you to awaken
And someday you will
Learn to be still, learn to be still

You just keep on running
Keep on running

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Songwriters
HENLEY, DON / LYNCH, STANLEY

Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Don Henley/Glenn Frey/Eagles