From the Echoes of a Mind, a Unifying (Healing) Force was Born

When Twitter first arrived on scene as the latest social media tool, I was very leery about its purpose.  “Why would anyone want to tweet to the world about every moment of their day?  I thought.”  However, late last year, I joined this movement as a way to spread my message about behavioral health issues, and am grateful that I had a change of heart.  How so, one may ask at this juncture?  Let me tell you.



     I have written extensively about my struggles with post-traumatic stress (PTS), and within my tweets I included #PTSD.  As a result, I was followed by a woman named Kate Gillie, who resides as a neighbor just north of the United States borders.  Kate deeply struggles with PTS, far greater than I.  As a small child she “physically” (I use this term lightly) survived the violence of the Rhodesian Bush War of the 1970’s.  Kate eloquently tells her own story which you can read or follow at www.kategillieart.com.  Therefore, I will not expound on these details, but rather relate how my association with this kind soul via Twitter has been most beneficial to my own journey towards wellness.  For it was from the echoes of her mind, that a unifying (healing) force was born.

Courtesy of Kate Gillie

     Kate is the founder and voice for #PTSDChat, which as she put it: “was the brainchild of a friend who knew her way around the social media world, and knew what I wanted to accomplish” (sic) - that being, to advocate for others who share the same struggles as herself.  This weekly chat via Twitter brings together a legion of followers to include: military, fire, EMS, and law enforcement personnel; those who were abused/neglected/victims of violent crimes or witnessed the same; behavioral health specialists, and those who speak on behalf of the above mentioned groups.  Every Wednesday at 9 p.m. EST, a different topic is offered (such as the stigma of PTS) for all who attend to comment on.

     This dynamic platform allows those attending to relate their own personal stories, coping strategies, healing successes and/or struggles.  Some may enter the chat and observe because they are not ready, or it is too painful to share their feelings just yet.  In my humble opinion, even through observation the healing effect is felt, as like-minded people carry on a meaningful dialogue.  This is peer support (of the highest order) that is provided in a supportive and non-judgmental environment.  The ultimate goal is to provide education on PTS, end the stigma associated with behavioral health struggles, and comfort those who feel isolated from society at large.

 

     I am honored to attend these chats, share my story, and learn from others in kind.  #PTSDChat is a fine example of what it means to make this world a better place than we found it, before we leave it.  I know this is a daunting task, but every foundation is laid one brick at a time.  Thank you my fellow chat members for existing in this world in order to make this possible, as well as help each other heal.

     The echoes of the mind will never let us forget what we have seen or experienced first- hand, but this unifying force that has been created will most certainly ease that burden for years to come.

In Health and Wellness,

Tim

 

In the Face of Adversity, Always Have the Courage to Take the High Road

     In 1956, then Senator John F. Kennedy authored the book Profiles in Courage for which he received the Pulitzer Prize in 1957 (2000).  Kennedy chose to highlight the works of eight of his contemporaries who occupied the Senate Chamber long before he first stepped foot through those hallowed doors.  These men rose to a challenge (on certain issues) and stood by their convictions against either the populist views of the country, or the wishes of their own party line.  For several, it cost them either another term in Congress or a chance at the Presidency.  In the end, they maintained a high level of integrity at a sacrifice to their own personal aspirations, something Kennedy termed heroic (2000).  Facing adversity, they took the road less traveled, and left a lasting legacy to the advancement of these United States.

     While not all of us will ever aspire to political office; many, as a course of human design, will face our own challenges in life.  How we respond to and overcome these bumps in the road, can steer us to become something far greater than ourselves which, in the end, will benefit humankind for ages to come.  Leading from the front (and not standing on the sidelines) is one of the best ways to teach others how to always take the high road.  Let’s explore examples from everyday life:

·         In a story coming out of Chicago earlier this year, a young girl lost her battle with the most aggressive form of Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. Instead of curling up in a ball and accepting the fate that she was dealt, this inspirational individual began to advocate for others who may beset with the same illness by asking that fundraising efforts for research into this disease continue long after she was gone. Her story commanded a strong social media presence that brought light to this terminal illness for which she will always be remembered.

·         Think of a time when you stood by a friend, family member, or work colleague when he or she was in dire straits due to circumstance; only to be ridiculed by others in your circle who had turned their backs on this same individual.  Even though it cut against the grain of the majority view, the lasting friendship that you maintained and strengthened, more than likely outweighed the others that fell by the wayside.  A great reward (example of courage) in and of itself.

     In the foreword to the 1964 memorial edition of Profiles in Courage, Robert F. Kennedy left us with some sage advice that still rings true to this day when he said: “This book is not just the stories of the past, but a book of hope and confidence for the future.  What happens to the country, to the world, depends on what we do with what others have left us.”  The next time you are faced with adversity what are you going to do:  take the high road or remain idly on the sidelines subservient to the majority view?  In the end I leave that for you to decide on how you want to be remembered.

     On this past Wednesday, during the 2015 ESPY’s, the Pat Tillman Award for Service was presented to Danielle Green.  Her story is an example of how one could rise above circumstances for the benefit of the greater good.  Enjoy this short inspirational video-

 

 

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References

Kennedy, J.F. (2000). Profiles in Courage (Perennial Classics ed.).  New York: HarperPerennial.

    

The Silence of the Blue Ridge Mountains

     Last year, I wrote a post about a beginner’s guide to meditation (aka Meditation 101).  In retrospect, I believe that most readers probably envisioned someone sitting cross-legged on a floor, eyes closed, a straight back, with his or her hands resting on the knees.  Do a Google Images search of meditation and I bet the results will generate several pictures of this pose.  The next thing that probably ran through a reader’s mind is how am I supposed to sit for periods at a time while trying to turn off the constant chatter inside?  This is the conundrum that faces all who seek a more balanced existence of body, mind, and spirit.

     When I first began my meditative journey this time last year, I truly found out what an active mind I possess.  I have since worked up to 45 minutes at a time either sitting or lying down, with my eyes closed, listening to soothing Zen-like music.  If my mind wanders, I acknowledge the presence of these thoughts, return to the breath, and repeat this process over and over again. Eventually, I find myself in a calming meditative state (or sometimes fall asleep for an hour or more).  Most recently, I learned that I do not have to utilize these classical poses to achieve the calming bliss to which I have become accustomed.  My latest lesson was found right in the heart of a beautiful parkway.

Sunset Cocktail Terrace

     Last week, Judy and I took our annual vacation retreat to Asheville, North Carolina where the weather was spectacular: not too hot, not too cool-just right.  One evening, we sat on the Sunset Cocktail Terrace at the historic Omni Grove Park Inn and watched the mountains slip into their nightly slumber.  As the show unfurled before us, I began taking time-lapsed pictures of this mesmerizing event over the course of the next hour or so.  I suddenly entered a deeply contemplative state, and even with the chatter around me, I could hear the silence of the Blue Ridge Mountains calling.  While this may sound funny, I really could hear the silence within those mountains.  The next day we traversed the Blue Ridge Parkway, stopped at several picturesque outlooks, and I experienced this same silence calling- all the while maintaining a still mind and a calm soul.

     The lesson learned here is that meditation does not have to take a classical form to achieve the desired results.  Find your meditative place in this world be it at a beach, ocean, mountains, or your own backyard. Appreciating the natural beauty that our world offers may be all that you need to quiet your mind and awaken the soul.  Thank you Blue Ridge for showing me the way. I now leave you with the beauty as it unfolded:

 

 

In health and wellness,

 

Tim

Swimming in Love

     Today is the beginning of the summer solstice which also marks the day that God gave life to my beloved wife Judy.  Every year the Universe sends me a gift idea that seems to rival no other, and this year was no different.  After all, she is my best friend in the whole wide world, and her love for me is the very reason that I have stuck it out as long as I have as a firefighter and paramedic.  So, what message did the Universe send me this time?

     One publication that I subscribe to is called the Fra Noi, which is a magazine dedicated to all things Italian in the Chicagoland area.  Each month, the Community Highlights section of this publication profiles the work of local Italian-Americans, and here is where I found the most extraordinary gift for Judy.  In a recent issue, columnist Lou Carlozo profiled the work of an award-winning poet by the name of Cin Salach (People’s Poet, May, 2015).  This column focused on the work Ms. Salach does with her business called Poemgrown, which is absolutely extraordinary. 

     With Poemgrown, Cin creates personalized poetry for customers to mark any occasions, such as a birthdays or weddings. When I read this article, I knew that this connection was going to be something very special indeed, so I gave Cin a call and began the most amazing journey.  Basically, Cin conducted a phone interview with me, sent an email with a series of thought-provoking questions, a follow up phone call to review my answers, and then the magic of love began.  Cin told me that she was going to sit with all that I had given her for a few weeks and then send me the first draft for revisions. 

     When I read the first draft (that only needed minor changes), I was overwhelmed and beside myself.  Cin Salach artfully created the most beautiful soliloquy which expressed my truest feelings for Judy that were locked in the deepest recesses of my subconscious mind.  This journey, by far, was one of the most cathartic and healing experiences to date I have had in all my years on Earth (thanks, Cin).  From God’s lips to a poet’s hands, I present to you:

 

 

Swimming in Love

 

For Judy

 

Twenty two years ago, the eyes of my heart

heard the song of your soul and wept,

knowing this music was ancient and true.

 

Born on the summer solstice,

the most light-filled day of the year,

you cast away darkness every time

 

 

you look at me. You are the sun, Judy,

And I am the moon reflecting your light.

I thank the world for who you are

 

and all that your being brings.

Each morning is a gift to unwrap,

each day ends like this:

 

Us laughing. Then your arms around me,

love connecting us even as we sleep,

Vino too! Our family circle complete.

If I could renew my gratitude for you

the way we renewed our vows, on an island,

against a sunset, at the edge of a volcano,

 

nature reminding us of her beauty and

our place in this world,

 

 

 

I would tell you: Love,

 

love like yours can only come from God.

I would tell you that in a poem, Judy

and read it to you again and again,

 

whenever you wanted to hear it, or

whenever I was moved by our love,

which is always, which is now.

 

Because of you, I didn’t walk away from my life
as public servant, I didn’t walk away from my self.

I kept my eyes open, my heart present,

 

while you saw the wholeness of me

and shined it back.

You are my once-in-a-lifetime,

 

my holy treasure.

The hand I want to hold always

and forever. Wherever life takes us

 

from here, we will go together.

Arms and hearts entwined,

watching for rainbows

 

and one monarch butterfly.

Knowing without a doubt

we are, and always will be,

 

swimming in love.

 

Written by cin salach and commissioned by Tim

on the occasion of true love, and Judy’s birthday, June 21^st, 2015

 

A Size Up of Life

     One of the first things I learned as both a firefighter and now lieutenant, was the art of the size up.  It was drilled into my head during the academy days that a size up always begins at the moment of a call for service.  The size up includes such things as: time of day, weather conditions, occupancy status of a structure, smoke/fire conditions, etc. It also includes sizing up the mood of FD personnel the first thing in the morning. In order to have a successful outcome at an emergency call, the above listed must be observed.  The adage is that what happens during the first 5 minutes of an incident will dictate the next 5 hours.  This reflection started me thinking about how often do we size up our own (or others) lives on a daily basis.

The Fire Scene Size Up

     Since I began my healing journey via energy work (acupuncture, reiki, and Kundalini yoga), I have become more attuned to the world around me. Something that I once gave no passing thought to has suddenly garnered my attention at a more existential level.  For instance, every morning for the past six years I walk my dog by the same neatly groomed home and always comment to myself about the wonderful curb appeal that presents before me.  As the years have passed, I noticed this same lawn slowly fade into disrepair and thought that the owners just stopped caring about appearances.  However, on a different day, I gave closer inspection (size up) and noticed a sign in the front window that read: NO SMOKING-OXYGEN IN USE.  It then dawned on me that the owners probably never stopped caring about the curb appeal, they just had to prioritize because of an illness that may have befallen one of them.  It just goes to show that one should not make assumptions based on first appearance.

     How many times have you been in a restaurant and complained about bad service from your waiter or waitress and tipped accordingly, or not?  I know I have been there and done that without giving it a second thought that this person may have something going on in his/her life, but came to work anyway because they still had to put food on their table or go hungry.  The moral of this story is that you will never know the background of every person you meet (whether it is in a dining establishment, local gym, or your next door neighbor), so don’t make a hasty judgment about their work performance, attitude, etc.  Given that, how can we size up the intentions or moods of others upon first contact?

     This week, while thinking about the theme of this blog post, I came up with a strategy on how to size up life (so to speak).  From now on, every time I meet someone in person, or talk to them on the phone, I am going to ask this one simple question:  “Hello, how are you doing today?”  The first few moments of this conversation can dictate the next several that follow so why not start off on the right foot. The ensuing response may reveal the demeanor of who you are interacting with.  If it is positive, open, and friendly you will more than likely have a great experience. If not, then reflect on what might be causing them to have a sour disposition instead of jumping to conclusions. Continue to engage with empathy (for the not knowing) and maybe, just maybe, you will brighten their day.   

     I have employed this strategy a few times already this week and the results have been amazing.  If we all just take the time to show genuine concern for each other on a daily basis, we can leave this world a little better off than we found it, before we leave it.  After all, that is our fundamental duty as a member of the human race. 

 

 

 

     A daily size up should start the first thing in the morning when we look in the mirror at ourselves to see how we may project onto the world and then adjust accordingly- remember that it’s not always about the other person.  Sometimes you get what you give.

 

In health and wellness,

 

Tim

A Roundtable of Reality

Roundtable Discussion

     Last week (May 28^th), I had the honor and privilege of serving as a panelist in a roundtable discussion about firefighter suicides at the annual symposium of the Illinois Fire Chiefs Association that was held in East Peoria, Illinois.  As I waited for the start of this session, butterflies churned in my stomach and my palms became sweaty; because once again, I was asked to tell the story of my friend and co-worker’s suicide. Although I have made great strides in healing since last year, I noted that it still takes considerable amount of reserve energy to stay grounded to this Earth (even though I have learned to use many tools at my disposal).  What truly kept me emotionally secure was the fact that I was not alone in this venture, as several brother firefighters and chiefs each related similar stories in kind.

     The roundtable was moderated by Chief Pat Kenny of the Western Springs Fire Department, who artfully guided us through the discussion.  We started with personal stories and then moved into topics about behavioral health as it concerned the fire service. Before I knew it, the allotted time of 1 hour and 45 minutes had quickly passed.  I did not get to say everything that I wanted to, nor able to relate all of Sarah’s thoughts (she was unable to attend do to a family member’s illness).  Be that as it may, here were some of my responses to Chief Kenny’s questions:

1.       “What is the #1 thing from your perspective, that you believe the Fire Service needs to address to make progress in the area of Mental Health?”

    The fire service needs to turn the words of Life Safety Initiative #13 into action by becoming proactive in educating every department in the country about behavioral health issues.  The first time I met Matt Olson he told me that the message of the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Team (ILFFPS) is going to be a 20 year project, and the true indoctrination needs to begin with the rookies in the academy.  We must make them comfortable with discussing the concept of behavioral health, peer support, etc. so that when they become the 20 year guys it will be the norm, instead of the exception to the rule.  The only way this is going to happen is if the now (5, 10, 15, 20) guys lead the charge.  I presented the ILFFPS concept to my department and was given a high compliment by a 7 year veteran.  He said that I was a beacon of hope for a lot of guys because I shared my story, was comfortable discussing my own behavioral health issues, as well as sharing my emotions.  Putting yourself out there is the best grassroots effort that can be made to advance this cause.

ILFFPS

2.      We were each given the opportunity to make a final appeal but ran out of time.  Here is what I said as well as what I would have liked to say:

I described the different ways firefighters could access the ILFFPS (website, Facebook, department peer supporter) in a step by step fashion.  I also talked about the Firefighter Psychological Support Therapists (FPS) and what Sarah requires of them during this educational program (classroom, field time, and supervised clinical counseling of firefighters).  It was also explained to the chiefs that both peer supporters and FPS therapists must complete annual continuing education requirements.  The rest of what follows is what I would have liked to have finished with:

FPS

     Education about behavioral health, along with an active peer support system, will be the best way to make advances in providing a more balanced life for members of the fire service.  Self-care will be the cornerstone to the success of any behavioral health program.  We can tirelessly spread our message, but each firefighter needs to realize that they must courageously take that first step forward and seek help through either a peer supporter, FPS therapist, or a combination of both.  It is better to be proactive in caring for oneself before someone else compels you to do so.

     In 1997, the International Association of Firefighters and International Association of Fire Chiefs created the Joint Wellness-Fitness Initiative as a guide for individual departments to develop a comprehensive wellness program for their members.  The word holistic is used at least 5 times in this document to include a mind-body-spirit approach to wellness.  However, this initiative is most likely not standard in every firehouse in the country, and it is time to breathe life into this document.  The ILFFPS is in the early stages of creating an Holistic Wellness Initiative that aims to provide fire service members with educational resources they can implement to live a more balanced life. 

Firefighter Behavioral Health of Illinois

 

     So why call this a roundtable of Reality?  The following video conveys not only the reality of our profession, but also the reality of what this calling heaps upon us.

 

 

A Year of Healing Gracefully

Dear Readers,

     It has been over a year now since I took the first step towards healing from PTSD, and I want to share with you some lessons learned.  I will start from where I was, to where I am now.  I can most certainly say that this has truly been an amazing year of healing gracefully.  Here are my thoughts as written during the magic of 4 a.m.

     It was in April of last year that I hit my low point with PTSD, although I did not know it was an issue I carried with me for over 16 years.  Once I was shown the light it became very clear that I needed help to heal.  At the time of my epiphany (so to speak), I hated mankind in general and it was a real struggle for me to sort out or recognize the good from the not so good.   It did not matter to me because most people were being lumped into the bad category, and this ran counter to the oath I swore to serve others in need.  This inner turmoil is what I believe caused me the most pain.

     I have extensively chronicled my healing journey in this blog so it does not bear repeating.  After a combination of counseling, acupuncture, chiropractic care, massage therapy, exercise, nutrition response testing, meditation, and now Kundalini yoga; here are my greatest lessons learned:

1.      PTSD is something not to be taken lightly as it can be an all-consuming social anxiety disorder.  In order to effectively heal from the wounds, one must make the concerted effort at creating a self-care (wellness) plan.  An individual must take this first step forward because no one is going to do it for you.  My advice is to seek treatment before you are compelled to by either the courts or an employer.

 

 

 

2.      Once one makes the decision to become well, know that recovery is not an easy task and will require daily effort on your part.  It takes great courage to make a trip around the dark side of the moon and face the demons of your past.  More than likely you will find out that it was not just one specific incident, but rather a lifetime of micro-traumas that lead to the erupting volcano inside your mind.

3.      Seeking help should not be viewed as a sign of weakness or social stigma.  In fact, the more you share your story with others, the easier it becomes to tell with poise and dignity.

4.      PTSD is not going to just go away, and it will be a life- long journey to maintain this peaceful state of mind.  I realize that I stand on a very narrow ledge between a balanced life and jumping back in to the throws of PTSD.  Hence, why I continue with acupuncture and have added meditation, yoga, and nutrition response testing to my regimen.  Just when I think I have faced everything that has caused me pain, something else seems to creep up from the basement of my mind. However, I now tackle these issues one at a time, on more rooted ground.

5.      As a first responder, I still work within a stressful environment that can exacerbate the symptoms of my PTSD, and these hits will keep on coming as long as I wear the uniform.  The only difference between then and now, are the arsenal of tools I possess that help me to cope.

 

6.      It is paramount to journal your healing experience (s) for two reasons.  First, it helps you to purge the most painful moments in your life.  Second, you have a written record of these events that can be shared when you pay it forward and help others in kind.

7.      This last lesson is not really a lesson at all, but rather a gift.  After a year of healing I am once again beginning to recognize who is a good soul in this world (my healers would fall under this category).  To me, a good soul is someone who uses their God-given talent in the service of others, with no other agenda other than to do just that-serve others. This applies to not only wellness practitioners, but also the general public-at-large.  If I come into contact with someone who runs contrary to this belief, I now show compassion rather than contempt, because they may be suffering from his/her own inner struggle(s) that are not recognizable to me.  I must constantly remind myself “Who am I to judge another?”  This type of inner dialogue will also take a life-long, thoughtful effort

Today, on this Memorial Day let us pause and remember those who have given their lives in the service of others, because it is their sacrifices that have led to our freedom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     In closing, know that living with PTSD is not the end of the world, and some suffer more greatly than others.  However, with treatment, a detailed wellness (self-care) plan, and a solid circle of support, you too, can navigate life’s obstacles with grace while firmly grounded to this Earth.  If you can move yourself from the dark back into the light, nothing will be impossible. Life will no longer seem impossible.

     The following song represents (to me) the battle between unresolved trauma and the quest for a peaceful state of mind.  It is dedicated to those who suffer from PTSD, but are willing to share their struggles in order to provide hope to those facing similar circumstances.  We must all learn from each other as this is an awesome way to make the world a better place to live.