A Year of Healing Gracefully

Dear Readers,

     It has been over a year now since I took the first step towards healing from PTSD, and I want to share with you some lessons learned.  I will start from where I was, to where I am now.  I can most certainly say that this has truly been an amazing year of healing gracefully.  Here are my thoughts as written during the magic of 4 a.m.

     It was in April of last year that I hit my low point with PTSD, although I did not know it was an issue I carried with me for over 16 years.  Once I was shown the light it became very clear that I needed help to heal.  At the time of my epiphany (so to speak), I hated mankind in general and it was a real struggle for me to sort out or recognize the good from the not so good.   It did not matter to me because most people were being lumped into the bad category, and this ran counter to the oath I swore to serve others in need.  This inner turmoil is what I believe caused me the most pain.

     I have extensively chronicled my healing journey in this blog so it does not bear repeating.  After a combination of counseling, acupuncture, chiropractic care, massage therapy, exercise, nutrition response testing, meditation, and now Kundalini yoga; here are my greatest lessons learned:

1.      PTSD is something not to be taken lightly as it can be an all-consuming social anxiety disorder.  In order to effectively heal from the wounds, one must make the concerted effort at creating a self-care (wellness) plan.  An individual must take this first step forward because no one is going to do it for you.  My advice is to seek treatment before you are compelled to by either the courts or an employer.

 

 

 

2.      Once one makes the decision to become well, know that recovery is not an easy task and will require daily effort on your part.  It takes great courage to make a trip around the dark side of the moon and face the demons of your past.  More than likely you will find out that it was not just one specific incident, but rather a lifetime of micro-traumas that lead to the erupting volcano inside your mind.

3.      Seeking help should not be viewed as a sign of weakness or social stigma.  In fact, the more you share your story with others, the easier it becomes to tell with poise and dignity.

4.      PTSD is not going to just go away, and it will be a life- long journey to maintain this peaceful state of mind.  I realize that I stand on a very narrow ledge between a balanced life and jumping back in to the throws of PTSD.  Hence, why I continue with acupuncture and have added meditation, yoga, and nutrition response testing to my regimen.  Just when I think I have faced everything that has caused me pain, something else seems to creep up from the basement of my mind. However, I now tackle these issues one at a time, on more rooted ground.

5.      As a first responder, I still work within a stressful environment that can exacerbate the symptoms of my PTSD, and these hits will keep on coming as long as I wear the uniform.  The only difference between then and now, are the arsenal of tools I possess that help me to cope.

 

6.      It is paramount to journal your healing experience (s) for two reasons.  First, it helps you to purge the most painful moments in your life.  Second, you have a written record of these events that can be shared when you pay it forward and help others in kind.

7.      This last lesson is not really a lesson at all, but rather a gift.  After a year of healing I am once again beginning to recognize who is a good soul in this world (my healers would fall under this category).  To me, a good soul is someone who uses their God-given talent in the service of others, with no other agenda other than to do just that-serve others. This applies to not only wellness practitioners, but also the general public-at-large.  If I come into contact with someone who runs contrary to this belief, I now show compassion rather than contempt, because they may be suffering from his/her own inner struggle(s) that are not recognizable to me.  I must constantly remind myself “Who am I to judge another?”  This type of inner dialogue will also take a life-long, thoughtful effort

Today, on this Memorial Day let us pause and remember those who have given their lives in the service of others, because it is their sacrifices that have led to our freedom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

     In closing, know that living with PTSD is not the end of the world, and some suffer more greatly than others.  However, with treatment, a detailed wellness (self-care) plan, and a solid circle of support, you too, can navigate life’s obstacles with grace while firmly grounded to this Earth.  If you can move yourself from the dark back into the light, nothing will be impossible. Life will no longer seem impossible.

     The following song represents (to me) the battle between unresolved trauma and the quest for a peaceful state of mind.  It is dedicated to those who suffer from PTSD, but are willing to share their struggles in order to provide hope to those facing similar circumstances.  We must all learn from each other as this is an awesome way to make the world a better place to live.  

 

 

 

 

A Florian Life

Saint Florian

     Saint Florian, the patron of firefighters, is often depicted in artwork as a Roman soldier who is pouring water over fire. Florian, a member of the Roman Army, was charged with developing and training soldiers whose sole mission was to fight fires.  Thus, the first firefighting brigades were born (2015).  For more details on the life of this saint, I direct you to the reference section of this entry.  So what is it like to follow in the footsteps of Florian?

 

 

     First responders (fire, EMS, police, Red Cross, etc.) are called upon at a moment’s notice to aid others in need.  When citizens dial 911 it is usually because they are not having a good day.  We are subjected to the horrors of human suffering and without a doubt, in my personal experience, absorb the emotions of a particular scene.  This cycle repeats itself shift after shift, and year after year.  Over the course of a 20+ year career, this takes a toll on both our physical and mental well-being, which brings me to the point of this posting: three.

     Every first responder will always remember his/her top three calls that most profoundly affected their psyche.  Last year, I shared with you my number one: the witnessed suicide of my co-worker and friend.  Today, I leave you with number two which I call:

March Sadness

     “It was an exceptionally quiet shift one Sunday in March of 1995, until the alarm sounded for the four year old child not breathing.  When we pulled up to the scene, I opened the ambulance door and noticed a woman running towards me with a small child in her arms.  She looked at me and pleaded, “Please save my baby!”, and placed her in my arms.  While carrying her to the back doors of our “mobile hospital”, I stared into her lifeless eyes and knew that her soul had left her.

     Once in the back of the ambulance, I placed her on the cot, confirmed that she had no pulse, was not breathing, and immediately began CPR. Her little frame gave way to the weight of my body pushing down on her upper torso.  Meanwhile, my partner placed the EKG electrodes on her tiny chest, I stopped compressions momentarily, and together we confirmed that she had a cardiac rhythm known as asystole or flat line.  I resumed my efforts at resuscitation while a small flexible tube was inserted into her delicate trachea (windpipe) to assist with breathing.  An intravenous line was started and drugs were introduced into her circulatory system. The alternating sequence of CPR and drug therapy continued while enroute to the emergency room. Even though the ambulance raced to the hospital, time passed slowly, as a five minute ride seemed like fifteen.

     Upon arrival to the emergency department, our patient’s heart began to spontaneously beat, and I felt a weak pulse in her limp wrist.  Over the next twenty minutes, the emergency room staff fought valiantly to preserve this tiny patient’s life, and I could no longer bear to watch this scene.  I walked outside, sat down on the back step of the ambulance, and buried my head into my hands in despair.  For several minutes I searched for an answer as to why this innocent soul was subjected to this kind of fate, and came up empty.  As we left the hospital, I carried with me the horrific image of this fragile human being connected to every tube possible known to modern medicine.  Our patient was transferred to a pediatric hospital that could more aggressively manage her condition, and died thirteen hours later. I can no longer remember her face (I do remember her name), but I will never forget those lifeless blue eyes”.

9/11

     Leading a Florian life is a time honored tradition that calls upon duty, honor, and courage to those who answer this calling.  While this profession has tested the endurance of my spirit at times, I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in this world.  In over 20 ½ years it has been, and still continues to be the greatest privilege to serve those in need.  Thank you Saint Florian for blazing the trail.

 

Reference

St. Florian. (2015). Wikipedia. Retrieved May 15th, 2015, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Florian

A Life of Peace (of Mind)

     Peace: freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.; tranquility; serenity (dictionary.com, 2015). One of many definitions of the word peace.

     Last week, I went to bed thinking about the topic for my next blog post and as usual, the magic of 4 a.m. showed me the way.  In the wee hours of that morning, I had thoughts about St. Francis of Assisi, who is the “patron saint for ecologists- a title honoring his boundless love for animals and nature” (biography.com, 2015).  One may be thinking at this point-What does St. Francis have to do with peace of mind?  While researching his biography, I came across interesting facts about this man which will hopefully, connect the dots to this week’s theme.

St. Francis and the animals

     Biography.com notes that Francis (Giovanni di Pietro di Bernardone) was born into the life of luxury in Assisi around 1181 A.D. (2015).  His father was a cloth merchant and a man of great wealth.  Consequently, Francis was without want (2015).  In fact, during his early teenage years, young Francis was surrounded by wine, women, and song and by early accounts was considered a sinner.  Around the year 1202, Francis joined the cavalry and fought in a war against Perugia where most, if not all of his comrades in arms were killed.  Because Francis came from great wealth and would command a decent ransom, he was imprisoned for over a year before his father could negotiate his release.  It was during that time, that Francis’s life changed forever as he reported having seen visions of God (2015).

St. Francis receives the Stigmata

     Upon his return to Assisi, Francis was a different person: one whose mind and body were scarred by the ravages of an unsuccessful campaign against Perugia.  Francis was described as a shell-shocked soldier (the current terminology being PTSD).  It was during a time of deep prayer at the church of San Damiano that Francis answered the call of Christ to rebuild the Christian church and live a life of poverty (and he did just that).  Those who knew him felt that he had become mentally ill due to the war and was merely suffering from hallucinations.  Undeterred by his detractors, Francis preached the word of God, lived in nature amongst the poor, and even preached to the animals.  In the year 1224, Francis had a vision and during that moment, he was conferred the stigmata (holy wounds of Christ).  Francis carried out his life’s mission until his death on October 3^rd, 1226 at the age of 44 (2015).

     So how does this all tie into a life of peace (of mind)?  The way I see it, St. Francis lived through a chaotic period in his life and suffered from PTSD as a result.  He overcame his struggles with a renewed sense of purpose by following the direction that his life had taken him.  It is my belief that St. Francis had achieved “peace of mind” by answering the call to slow down, commune with nature, and serve his fellow human beings.

     We, like St. Francis, live in chaotic times and all one needs to do to confirm this is to watch the evening news.  Many of us have lived through several wars (dating back to WWII), September 11^th, and are employed in stressful occupations that have disrupted our psycho-emotional balance.  One way we can achieve our own peace of mind is to follow the lead of St. Francis.  So, if you ever have an inkling that you are stuck in a vicious circle, but life seems to be leading you in a different direction, I encourage you to explore these new possibilities.  Sometimes, it is the third act in life that is the most rewarding.

Be well and stay safe,

Tim

References

Peace. (2015). The Dictionary.com website. Retrieved May 04, 2015, from http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/peace.

St. Francis of Assisi. (2015). The Biography.com website. Retrieved May 04, 2015, from http://www.biography.com/people/st-francis-of-assisi-21152679.